#Writers-Workshop
| Literature / Prose / Fiction / Horror |
Ketamine Hydrochloride I'm grieving.Ketamine Hydrochloride by ~halfhaggis
But no-one has died
I'm hurting.
But I find no wound
I'm angry.
But there's no-one to blame
I'm vengeful.
Who deserves my wrath?
She's drugged.
Abandoned in the club
Her drink has betrayed her
She's raped?
The tests do not say so
No clear way to tell though
She's ill.
Feels weary all day now
Curse the pill that AIDS her
And so
I grieve I ache I rage
I avenge?
Do you deserve my wrath?
Seeking in the Desert The wind gusts intermittently, lifting up mists of sand which swirl about Gustav's legs – occasionally the sand wafts higher, stinging his cheeks. Gustav doesn't mind though. The sand that gets into his eyes, causing them to burn and water confirms that his bodily functions still operate. Nothing else does. All that Gustav is certain of is his mind. It still runs along the shore, searching for inspiration in the sand.Seeking in the Desert by ~halfhaggis
Gustav and the stool he sits upon are the only elements that break the monotony of the dunes. Not even a shadow disturbs the dusty-white-brown surface. The heat of the sun overhead beams down.
UV-A and UV-B slow-roast Gust
The Note Everyone falls down sometime. And when it's your turn, everyone else tells you to get back up on that proverbial horse that threw you in such a proverbial manner.The Note by ~halfhaggis
What they failed to comprehend when they gave me the horse lecture was that I am not a proverbial person. I, being real (or at least that is how I perceive myself ) am quite incapable of riding on the back of a concept. Even if I could get on to a proverbial horse, I wouldn't. Simply because I might fall off; and hitting the ground is going to hurt.
Now these fools who believe a collection of proverbs and idioms to be a sort of bible will be quick to tell me that, in a proverb
Mathematics "It doesn't matter what is in your head, it's what you put on the page.Mathematics by ~halfhaggis
"The marker cannot read your mind. He doesn't know what you are thinking; he can only read what you have written. Did you answer the question correctly? Was your method correct? That sort of thing."
"I panicked during the exam. I went blank. Nothing worked out right. What the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Work on your exam technique, young man. It's all exam technique. You must be able to put what you have in your head down on the page."
Frustrated, hopeless and angry, the young man did just that. He accidentally messed on the desk, floor and walls, though.
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Deviousness `MelGama is an exceptionally thoughtful and community-spirited deviant. In addition, Mel's gallery is filled with deviations that are inspired by emotions and experience, with the intention of inspiring others. Ever eager to participate in the community, Mel can always be found giving positive comments to others, writing journals to raise awareness of other artists, and generally displaying all-around superstar deviant traits. Congratulations! Read More
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Sta.sh
My only suggestion would be to use italics for thoughts.
--
Bravery is merely applauded stupidity...
Thank you for your feedback
--
When I'm at the pearly gates, this'll be on my videotape.
-- Radiohead
--
You don't have to have superpowers to be a hero. - Hiro Nakamura
Unlike Hirst who I can imagine making something like this out of cows. Best keep him away from this deviation, because I'd hate to see this in real life.
--
When I'm at the pearly gates, this'll be on my videotape.
-- Radiohead
Though it makes for interesting reading despite the unpleasant imagery.
--
You don't have to have superpowers to be a hero. - Hiro Nakamura
I do my crits copy edit style, with suggestions and questions in caps and brackets. At the end, I’ll give an overview as well.
~~~
The Architect stood[,] admiring his creation. The blood, sweat, and tears that had gone into the structure were [just UNNEEDED] immeasurable. Well, technically [it YOU MEAN ‘THEY?’] could be measured, he supposed. All that would be needed was some sort of drainage system to collect the fluids. But really, to what end? [THIS GUY’S VOICE IS SO NERDY. ALREADY I LOVE IT!]
The Architect shifted his thoughts back to more important things -- simply beholding his greatest work.
‘Beautiful!’
‘Magnificent!’
‘Cutting-edge!’
‘Innovative use of new materials!’
That was how all the critics had described it.
Well, almost all. [There was UNNEEDED] one guy [who UNNEEDED] described the work as, [‘An unprecedented vulgar atrocity that accelerates our society’s decline into barbarism.’ SOUNDS LIKE A SELLING POINT TO ME.
That heathen stopped complaining after the structure was slightly renovated, so the alterations must have resolved his issue with the design.
The Architect stood in exactly the right place to take in the full grandeur of the edifice. The [beautiful A VERY SUBJECTIVE WORD AND ONE TO AVOID] structure glistened [wetly] in the sparkling sunlight. It oozed and writhed [organically BE WARY OF TOO MUCH ADVERB USAGE. THEY TELL, NOT SHOW.]. The patchwork matrices of interlinked limbs, bolted together, gave the building a brutal, intimidating ambiance.
The structure excelled not only in aesthetics[, BUT] [DELETE. It] was also technically advanced, using the most energy-efficient bio-tech ever invented.
He [proudly HOW CAN A NOD BE PROUD?] nodded his head, his serious expression spreading into a tight-lipped smile. He created this glorious structure, and soon the Oligarch would decree an annual pilgrimage to visit it. A testament to the virtue of hard work and endurance for the benefit of the nation.
[Suddenly UNNEEDED ADVERB] the putrid smell of formaldehyde decay violated the Architect’s nostrils. He grimaced, blocked his nose with his sleeve, and breathed through the fabric. [Horribly UNNEEDED] unfortunate that the wind changed direction.
[The architect felt a little sad TELLING], as he turned away from his creation, and took long strides to escape the [malodorous, grasping ADJECTIVE O.D. PICK ONE] tendrils of rot. The bad smell was the only problem [that UNNEEDED] they couldn’t solve. Maybe if they [DEL’d] had more time, more funding from government. Should it not have been perfect at all costs, this Man-Made Structure Made of Men?
----
Eyesight breaks through his fevered delirium. Eyelashes flicker, but eyelids clamp tightly against the cornea-etching brightness. [At last[,] his free-will[.] I BROUGHT THIS SENTENCE UP FROM THE LAST PARAGRAPH]
[contextual freedom[--][[;] Ha[,] [Ha LOWERCASE][;] SHOULDN’T THIS BE IN ITALICS?] not really a laugh at all[;] a sub-vocal cackle[; A PUNCTUATION TO USE SPARINGLY. PERIODS OR COMMAS WILL WORK JUST FINE IN THESE BABIES’ PLACE.] [Ha ITALICS? I ASSUME HE’S LAUGHING?]--overcomes his reflexes, allowing him to see.
Contextual freedom--Ha, ha. Not really a laugh at all, but a sub-vocal cackle. Ha.--overcomes reflexes, allowing him to see. NOT SURE IF YOU LIKE IT, BUT IT’S JUST A SUGGESTION.
He regrets his decision. [Briefly, convulsively BLEH. ADVERBS.
[What the fuck is going on[! SHOULD BE A QUESTION MARK] SHOULD BE ITALICIZED, IMO]
Is it a thought? Is it shouting? It should be shouting because his muscles strain against the thick bolts and wires that pierce his flesh and bind him to the others. His dried-out mouth is open, and air from his lungs wheezes out.
[Shouting though? SHOUTING! [What YOU MEAN ‘WHO?’] is shouting? ITALICIZE]
The convulsion ceases. His body falls limp again. Light-sensitivity, constant dehydration, insomnia, delirium, cramping. He knows these new friends to be side-effects of the drugs. What violation here isn’t? The grim reaper would bring him peace without the drugs, but no grim-reaper. Just grim. [Got it on discount! Ha. ITALICIZE]
Except the man bolted to his right arm. Death came for his right-arm bolt-buddy. Poor bastard hadn’t moved for days.
[Moved? ITALICIZE] Moving to Alaska would be lovely. It’s cold there. Less rotting. Less of the bad smell. Numb too. [Surely? UNNEEDED]
He notices a tiny insect way down on the ground. It stands still, looking up at the atrocity he forms [A] part of. It’s not too small as to be unrecognisable. His leg breaks free from one of the higher parts of the building, and his heel descends and squashes the bug [with extreme force and prejudice NOT NEEDED IMO]. The ultimate critique of the Architect’s work.
The Critic stops [violently UNNEEDED] convulsing. He feels additional pressure in his arms and one of his legs, and notices that he hangs off-balance. [Wonderful tidings! ITALICIZE] His right leg is now free. Unfortunately his foot is nowhere to be seen, and a blood spurts rhythmically from the tattered remains of his lower leg, spatter[I]ng [on UNNEEDED] those below.
The Critic looks back down at the Architect-bug, walking [hastily UNNEEDED] away. Disappointment! His foot must have missed it. Only scared it away. What the fuck! The Architect ate his foot!
[Oooh. Dizzy. ITALICIZE]
~~~
Probably the most creative ones I’ve read yet.
I had a few suggestions for tightening that are up to you to take or toss. The adverbs... by far my biggest nitpick. Way too many. I don’t think you needed a one of them. They tell rather than show. walking hastily away -> scurrying away Use your verbs. Don’t rely on the crutch of a modifier.
The italics bit for your second POV. All up to you on that one. I like italics for internal dialogue, but others don’t.
Anyhoo, hope I didn’t offend.
Keep writing,
KM
--
Thanks for taking the time to go through everyone's pieces. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is very appreciative.
A few responses to your comments.
I agree with almost every point you make for the first POV, with the exception of my use of beautiful to describe the structure. Since POV is the Architect's, I wanted to convey that he thinks the building is beautiful, despite everything else pointing to it being disgusting.
In the second POV, I agree less with your comments. The italicising is an option I considered, and would usually use. In this case I decided against it because I wanted to maintain a state of disorientation and confusion about the Critic's perspective. This is also why I went nuts with the semi-colons. Perhaps I can make my intent more clear if I throw in some other inappropriate punctuation, in place of the semi-colons.
When I wrote "What is shouting?" that was intentional. The Critic is even uncertain what shouting is, never mind who is doing it.
You recommendation to throw away adverbs in the second POV is still completely right though.
I'm glad you picked up on the changed tenses. It just felt right that someone bolted to other people, but kept alive and conscious, would be living in the present tense.
I don't offend easily. You didn't come close. Thanks for the constructive feedback.
--
When I'm at the pearly gates, this'll be on my videotape.
-- Radiohead
One crit is always helpful, but it's the ones that follow that really count. Three good ones are nice, then you can compare and see what everyone agrees you should change. Too bad not many crit on dA for that to actually happen.
And critting all the pieces was a valid excuse for procrastination.
Take care!
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Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing. -Anais Nin
--
When I'm at the pearly gates, this'll be on my videotape.
-- Radiohead